Leaves Are Changing

You should see my hands. They are covered in green ink. So are my teeth. I'll never chew my pens again! I know I said that last time, when black was the color. But I've changed! New leaves have been turned over.

"If we got in a car wreck today and I fractured all my vertebrae, would you still marry me?" she asked.

A chuckle escaped his lips. "After all that, you'd still be alive?"

Her contemplative juvenile face turned into a frown. "Billy, I am being serious. Stop joking around."

Billy shook his head as if to shake all the amusement out of his mind. He decided to let the silence linger. Yet the more silence, the more he realized how much he hated her need to talk about the future. The future. It always made him nervous and uneasy not knowing what lied ahead; this is why he preferred not to talk about it.

"Do you really have no answer?" her words broke his thoughts and the silence of the humid night air.

My Nicaragua

Random Details From My Solo Flight to Nicaragua

I translated for mission groups that came down and pretty much got to join 5 different groups and help with whatever they were doing.

I lived on a mountain (Pochocuape).

I was gifted two beloved pets, Shakira (a hummingbird) and Mantequilla (a very loyal butterfly).

The possibility of being jumped by a gang of drunk men with machetes arose.

I stood on a volcano (Momotombo).

I walked on a gorgeous beach in Leon.

I slept on a cardboard mattress for a couple nights. Those were the best nights of sleep.

One house I slept in had a tin roof and some rats found their way on it. It was interesting, to say the least, with the scurrying and such. A cat climbed the house and took care of them.

I made 500+ new friends and wish I could remember all of their names.

I taught English classes to brilliant students.

I helped open a new clinic.

I helped a group distribute 500 shoes to kids from the 2nd worst dump in the world after washing their feet.

I got drenched by a torrential rain while in the dump in a white t-shirt. Very uncomfortable.

I sneaked out to a discoteca... :)

I helped take 19 kids to MacDonalds for their first time.

I was on a bus when its tire busted in the busy streets of Managua.

I saw my Waxhaw neighbors in Granada.

I ate one of my most favorite fruits in the whole world, maracuya.

I "smuggled" a machete through customs.

I blended in and missionaries thought I was Nicaraguan.

I helped start new feeding programs.

Perry Brown became my new grandfather.

I discovered I will always have my missionary grandparents' heart for people.

I am pining away for Nicaragua. It has been consuming my thoughts ever since I got back on Tuesday. My second family is waiting for me to return and I can't think of anything else but returning, how I am going to return, and what I am going to bring next time, etc. They just stole a huge chunk of my heart. Here are options for what to do next summer. (as of now)

1. Go back to Nicaragua for 1 and a half months with Pack, Heidorns, and hopefully my mom. (To study Spanish and translate for missionary groups that come down to Pochocuape)
2. Work at my future as-of-now-imaginary job for the summer.
3. Stay at Chapel Hill and work for the summer.
4. Stay home and do nothing but love on my kids.
5. Go on random trips around the US or another country out of the US.

Nicaragua was one of the best experiences I have had in my life and I feel as if I will always be attached to it. I HAVE to go back. The point isn't the fact that I have to go back, it's that I want to go back. The friendships I have formed with the people of Pochocuape, Nicaragua are relationships that I want to last forever. How can that happen unless I go back? (often...)

My plan is to work during these upcoming semesters in order to save money to go for almost 2 months. Alas, there are cons to this plan. Being away for two months is long and I'd miss friends and family A LOT.

Yet God's plans are always bigger and very different.

Sometimes this "plan" of mine feels like another crazy dream. But I feel God telling me not to limit myself. It is as if He encourages my dreaming habit by taking me through experiences that I will cherish for a lifetime. For the past 2 years, I have wanted to go to South Korea to teach English. He inspired this with 2 years of teaching at an Korean/English camp. I feel in love with Koreans and was ALL about going to Korea to teach English for a year. After that I would hopefully venture off to graduate school and study education administration.

I felt strongly about that.
I felt that God was calling me to go.

When I went to Nicaragua, all my little Nicaraguan homedawgs were begging me to teach them English. They were hungry to learn. One of a teacher's biggest dreams is to have students that are eager to listen to every word and zealous to apprehend something completely different. After teaching a couple English lessons, the kids picked it up quite rapidly. It was the best feeling ever.

The differences between going to Korea and Nicaragua

1. I don't speak Korean, and I want to improve my Spanish.
2. Korean is a butt load of work, and I am already trying to master Spanish. So juggling two languages seems possible. One at a time is best, eh?
3. I don't have to learn Korean to teach English in Korea, but I have to learn Spanish to teach in Nicaragua.
4. I would rather learn Spanish than Korean.
5. Nicaragua is a 3rd world country and having an opportunity to learn English is almost non-existent in many areas of Nicaragua. Most Koreans are learning 4 languages instead of just one. I feel as if they have more opportunities in the learning-a-language area.
6. I feel more needed in Nicaragua.
7. Since Nicaragua is more recent, I keep in touch with them more frequently than with my Korean amigos.
8. It's cheaper to go to Nicaragua.
9. I have more connections in Nicaragua.
10. I feel passionately about Nicaragua...

So pretty much, Nicaragua wins.
But is this just a crazy dream? We'll find out.

Should I be working summers to save up for the future?
or
Should I be doing the things you can only do when you're young?
or
Should I be helping raise my siblings and supporting my family in NC?

I can't do everything.

It is awfully hard to decide though.
It is desperately hard to grow up.
It is even harder to know what God wants me to do, because I know if I am not following His plan I will be very unhappy. But I feel very lost.

I feel lost but thankful that God gave me the opportunity to go to Nicaragua and experience His love through some of the most beautiful people in the world. I will never forget their love and hospitality and hope to experience it again and again and again.

Nicaragua

Quick Update:

I am going to be in Nicaragua from June 29th to July 21st.

I was planning on going mid-July but an opportunity arose yesterday for me to go next week. So being the spontaneous person that I am... ;) I grabbed it reluctantly. I wish this wasn't so late notice but hey, we'll see. Maybe there's a reason God opened all the doors for me to go earlier. But all I know about my trip are my flight times.

Even though I know someone is meeting me there, I don't know who...
Even though I know I will be doing something, I don't know what...
Even though I know how long I'm going to be there, I don't know where there is...
Even though I know I have somewhere to stay, I don't know where that is either...
Even though I know I'm going to be with people, I don't know who...
Even though I am packing clothes, I don't know what to wear... (haha)

There are so many variables and I'm a little anxious about this whole ordeal, but I am trusting God is in control and what will be, will be. It just makes me nervous thinking about all the unknown factors... so I won't be thinking about it.

I'll be missing you guys greatly and can't wait to get back and see your beautiful faces. Keep me updated on your lives though. It makes me feel like I'm not missing out on too much, you know?

Hopefully I will be able to keep in touch.

Skype: elainetownsend

Love, love, love.

Journalism

The Cute Rabbits
Written by Janna Grace Townsend

This book is dedicated to my pets Because They are cute.

Tabble of Contents

Introduction: 1
Looks: 2
Food: 3
Babys: 4
Habitat: 5-6

Pg. 1 This is a cute animal that likes to jump. Do you know what it is?
Pg. 2 Bunnies look like something furry with soft ears.
Pg. 3 Bunnies like to eat carrots.
Pg. 4 Rabbits have tiny babys.
Pg. 5 A big huge group of rabbits is called a herd.
Pg. 6 Bunnies live in the forest. A family of rabbits live in a warren.
Pg. 7 My name is Janna Grace Townsend. I am seven years old. I am in 1st grade. I live in Waxhaw. I live with my four sisters and my brother, my mom, the Holy Spirit and me. I want to be a famous singer. My bff is Riya Shah and Canaan.

You missed all the lovely pictures. Sorry.

At Last

I am home.
I am free.

My worries consist of making sure my siblings are picked up from school on time and whether the dishes have been done.

This is the life.

I Am the Champion of the WORLD

So not only am I insane... but I am an idiot. I am so tired. I had my music exam today. Freaking a or b.

My head is hurting from lack of sleep but I can't sleep. Lisbeth's parents are coming in a half hour anyways... MUST MEET THE PARENTALS. I only hope I can be the ray of sunshine that I normally am. HAH! Okay, anyways, I have a Geology exam tomorrow. GAG.

I am so ready to go home. Cleaning and putting everything in the car is going to be hell. The room misses Abby. It really does. Me, too. It's pretty boring in here and I am officially glad I am not in a single room. Dude. That would suck.

In my delusion, I have beat Clay's Bejeweled high score. Go me. 134,800. He's not here so I can't even rub it in his face. AND I am too tired to enjoy my victory. :(

I can't study. That's why I am an idiot. I keep putting everything off for dumb reasons.

I hope I can pull it together before its too late.

I'm going to fix my face. I look like the hottest mess in Parker. We can't have Lisbeth's parents seeing me like that... oh Lord, no.


Happy 19th Birthday, Austin Thomas Rowe!

Minnie

So I am recovering from Spanish ulcers. At noon, I took my Spanish exam, and I'm scared about the outcome.

I am awaiting four o'clock so I can proceed take my English exam. I am feeling a bit suicidal but I have to take this exam. Right? Lee is sitting next to me and he hasn't slept since eight am Tuesday. He's dumb. The stupid kind of dumb, Lee. Okay, he's not entirely dumb just because he was studying during that allnighter. He's really tired, rubbing his eyes, and saying silly things. Allnighters are so highschool. I am going to never pull one again as long as I live! MAN, I despise them.

UGH, It's 3:43 pm. I have to roll on down to the student stores and purchase two blue books because I forgot the ones, I previously bought, in my dorm.

I have a migraine too.

But Abby and I are going to watch Minnie Driver movies. Minnie is up there with Meg Ryan. I'm excited. She's really pretty and funny and if I were Minnie Driver, I'd be pretty satisfied with life.

Lee just called me "kid" twice. I'm going to beat him up.

Bye.

Journey On To Yester Year

Just a small town girl
Livin' in a lonely world
She took the midnight train goin' anywhere

Just a city boy
Born and raised in south Detroit
He took the midnight train goin' anywhere

A singer in a smoky room
A smell of wine and cheap perfume
For a smile they can share the night
It goes on and on and on and on

Strangers waiting
Up and down the boulevard
Their shadows searching in the night
Streetlight people
Living just to find emotion
Hiding somewhere in the night

Working hard to get my fill
Everybody wants a thrill
Payin' anything to roll the dice just one more time

Some will win, some will lose
Some were born to sing the blues
Oh, the movie never ends
It goes on and on and on and on

Strangers waiting
Up and down the boulevard
Their shadows searching in the night
Streetlight people
Living just to find emotion
Hiding somewhere in the night

Don't stop believin'
Hold on to that feelin'
Streetlight, people

Leopard Print

If you know me at all... you know I own a pair of leopard print pajama pants. They're silky and delicious-looking.

I had another dream.

I was walking down the first floor hallway of Parker, my dorm. It was the beginning of evening and I was just getting off of work. As I'm nearing my suite, I see my lovely roommate, Abby Moore, walking towards me in the opposite direction. The first thing I notice is her dress.

The dress was my leopard print pajama pants. She had made a dress out of it. Yet she hadn't damaged the pants at all. Simply twisted, folded, and tied the pants around her body. She greeted me and told me she was going to Women's Night, an event hosted by InterVarsity.

Abby: "Oooh! I made a dress out of your pants. Doesn't it look great?"
Elaine: "Ummm..."
(Jessica Roache walks by)
Jessica: "Oh my gosh, Abby! I love your dress! It's so... cute!"
Elaine: "Jessica, are you seeing what I'm seeing!?"


El Fin

Writer's Block

I am suffering.

This is one of the worst diseases you can have in college. It is entirely unhealthy. Right now, I am hoping to break this devil's back by writing it into the ground. Because of a sleepless Sunday night, I fell asleep last night at 8:41 pm. I woke up at 4 am. Yet I had one of the most petrifying dreams ever.


Ahem.


You will need some background first.

BACKGROUND:

Yesterday, I discovered I had a paper due for my English class. Thank you, Lee. For some odd reason or mix up, I thought this paper was due next week. Alas, that is not the case. It needs to be four pages and about different themes in some past plays we've read. The only ways this paper can be turned in late with no points taken off are [1] sickness or [2] a death in the family. As soon as Lee told me about the deadline, my mind jumped to my escape goats. I began to plan an illness that would soon smote me. It was either that or suicide which counts as a death in the family. After my slight panic attack, I realized that I had time and should attempt this paper.

Yesterday, Keosha sent out an email asking for employees to help with the job fair going on in the Great Hall today. I volunteered because I need to start racking up hours. The shift is from 11 am - 3 pm.

DREAM:

I am slowly waking up still exhausted from my sleep. Leisurely reaching over to check the time on my cellphone, I eventually see 1 pm. Oh, the emotions that seeped through my soul. Emotions of terror and fear. That meant I was 2 hours late for work and had 30 minutes before my 3:30 pm English class to write 4 pages of crap!

I had 2 missed calls. A random (919) number and Lee Nettles. First, I call the random number back and I get my fellow co-worker, Joe Youman's voicemail. Next, I return Lee's call and Joe answers! Apparently, Joe's phone was dead so Lee lent him his. [In real life, Lee and Joe do not know each other] I am terribly confused and scrambling to get ready to run to work. I apologize to Joe for being late and tell him I'm on my way. He mentioned something about his broken leg and the rest is blurry.

I am trying to figure out a solution for my paper. The clinic is where I must go in order to get a sick excuse. What is my reason for going to the clinic? Well, I felt like puking at this point, so I figured that would be a decent excuse.

All of a sudden, Lee is in my dorm room. I have no idea how he got here. But he's not Lee. He is, but he isn't. This part is hard to explain because I talked to him like he was Lee, he looked like Lee, but he wasn't Lee. I spazztasticly started to tell him everything that was happening. All he could say was that it wasn't fair because I skipped my Geology class the day before. Maybe it was Lee. Because he would totally have said that. [HAHA] He tells me how Joe borrowed his phone and that I need to get to work because Amanda Tamayo the other person working during my shift was waiting for me to take over because she was leaving early to go to a wedding.

BOOM.

I find myself back in bed. Rested. I look at my phone. It's 4 am.


Oh, the life I lead.

Amor Libre de Cadenas

En otra vida, yo era Princesa Elena María Ayala de Nepal, un país muy lejano. Mi gente era leal y mostraron respeto para su princesa Elena. Yo tenía una hermana, Princesa Juanita, y un hermano, Príncipe Guillermo. Nuestros padres habían fallecido y todos mis hermanos estaban ocupados con sus vidas excepto yo. La princesa Juanita estaba enamorada con un príncipe de China. El príncipe Guillermo estaba luchando con dragones en el oeste. Me sentía sola cuando nadie estaba conmigo, pero yo tenía responsabilidades para asumir. Mi gente tenía confianza en la capacidad de Príncipe Guillermo para eliminar todos los peligros. Mi gente también tenía confianza en la princesa Juanita y yo para proveer paz y estabilidad.
Un día sombrío en primavera, estaba lloviendo. Todos mis sirvientes estaban enfermos, por eso yo tuve que hacer el trabajo de ellos. Mientras yo caminaba por una esquina, alguien puso un saco en mi cabeza y fui arrastrada a un carruaje cercano. Algo me golpeó en la cabeza y perdí el conocimiento. Cuando desperté, me encontré en un calabozo subterráneo y escuché quejidos en el fondo. Me pregunté, “¿alguien está allí?”

“¿Elena? ¿Es tú?”

¡Era mi hermana, la princesa Juanita!

“¡Juanita! ¿Qué estás haciendo aquí?”

“Yo no sé cómo llegué aquí. Tengo mucho miedo. Solo recuerdo que alguien me arrastraba y tenía los ojos vendados.”

Un soldado de guardia nos dijo donde estábamos y quién nos había capturado. Sucedió que la princesa de India estaba celosa de la riqueza y belleza de las princesas de Nepal. Por eso ella nos secuestró porque quería invadir nuestro país y capturarnos. El soldado dijo que Príncipe Guillermo estaba luchando por nosotros con la ayuda de sus dragones domésticos. De repente los portones se abrieron y el príncipe Guillermo entró con su armada. Después, él y el soldado empezaron a liberar la princesa Juanita y a mí de las cadenas. Yo empezaba a levantarme pero sentí dolores insoportables en mi tobillo y era porque estaba fracturado. El soldado me recogió con sus brazos musculosos y me sacó fuera del calabozo. Después me enteré que el soldado era en realidad el mejor amigo del Príncipe Guillermo. Era un príncipe de Vietnam y su nombre era Clay Tam, quien estaba trabajando como espía bajo cubierta en India. Más tarde nos enamoramos, nos casamos, unimos nuestros reinos y vivimos felices para siempre.

Spring Break

is so delicious (>_<)

Blimey

I just went to Ram's Market to buy some food to suffice my hunger.
Bought some Tostitos tortilla chips (SCOOPS), sour cream, chunky salsa, and grapes.
I returned to my dorm room to enjoy a mini feast.
After combining the sour cream and the salsa to make the perfect creamy concoction and after tasting it, I realized that there was a funky taste in my mouth. It was the sour cream. I looked at the expiration date and it said 20 Feb 09.

I now feel sick.

FML

This Isn't Me

My disclaimer: Pardon my language, my state of mind, and my need to blog.

DAMN YOU, EVE.

The curse of women is upon me at the moment. I am in the most excruciating pain. I am experiencing a glimpse of what it is like to have a baby. My head is throbbing from an ache that has been tormenting me since yesterday. Light headedness and a slight fever are making me want to jump off a cliff in hopes to end this pain. I crave the most random and unattainable foods. Right now, someone better get me an alligator and some pickles. MMMM.

Now that was just the physical agony I am enduring as I type.

Brace yourself for my mental transfiguration.

I want to die and take everyone down with me. My gah, the mood swings are intense. Once the pain starts to fade, I become tired, weak, and quiet. The curse senses my time of weakness and seizes the moment to come and gloat. It controls me. It controls my attitude. It controls my sleep. It controls pretty much my life. The demon that controls women has found me and taken over my body. I am no longer Elaine, but a crazy person. (Obviously)

In a week it will all be over, but will soon haunt me in a month.

Haha, I don't know why I'm laughing.

Sigh. This is what is like without medication. I am hoping pain makes you stronger?

Men, be glad you are who you are.

Sisters

Priscilla, Christina, and Kayla.

My lovely sisters came up to visit me this weekend.
We had a lovely time. It was so refreshing to see them.
They make me realize how much I want to be close to home.
I miss their company and their humor.
They really do energize me and inspire.
But now, they're gone. My reality has managed to regain consciousness.
DANG IT.

Back to the books, back to work, and back to missing what's not here.
Godspeed me.

Love, love, love.

Eye Blinking

I think it's amazing how life can change in the blink of an eye.

I failed my linguistics exam as I predicted. Actually I didn't fail it but I came pretty darn close to failing. My major as of this morning was a double in Spanish and Education with a minor in Linguistics. I am dropping my linguistics class and dropping the minor. I feel a lot better. For some reason I had convinced myself that I needed to have 2 majors and a minor. What a goose I am/was. None of that. Watch me graduate with just a Spanish major. I think I'll be okay with that. I've decided that when I graduate I want to graduate as a public service scholar. With fewer majors, this could be very possible. 300 hours of community service. I can do it. I was debating on joining the Big Buddy organization. It sounds really cool and something I would definitely be interested in. Here's the description of what I would be doing...

Big Buddy pairs UNC students with "at risk" children ages 6-14 in the Chapel Hill-Carrboro community to form one-on-one mentor relationships. Each mentor acts as a friend and role model to a child in need of one, with the hope that the experience has a positive and lasting impact on the lives of both the "big" and "little" alike.

How cool could that be? Totally cool, I know.
Either that or I could join Youth for Elderly Services (YES). I love old people.

YES's members volunteer at one of five retirement homes in the community - Carolina House, Clare Bridge, Carolina Meadows, Carol Woods, or Britthaven. At these homes, volunteers have the opportunity to participate in a wide range of activities, including both one-on-one visits and group activities. YES also organizes group activities once a month in which all members participate.

That's my 2nd choice. We'll see what happens. I just decided that I want to live during college. Not study 24/7. So in that case, one major could satisfy me. Not to mention I'd be a really happy person. Haha...

Best Weekend Ever...

So this weekend has been one for the books.
Let's see if I can remember all of it. :)

Friday, the 13th

This "unlucky" day involved a disgusting exam of linguistics. I failed. Probably. My exam taking skills are not up to par obviously! I can't study, and I can't concentrate in class. Poo. See, I told you. College is not for me. ;) Well after the bloody exam, I went to apply for the lovely position of Assistant House Manager at my job. Woot. Finished that and then I came back to my confining dorm room to take a shower. Clay came over and we hung out till I had to go to work. Before my work call, we ventured off to Alpine Bagel. I got a delicious bagel sandwich with 2 pickles! My work call was for the movies at the union. This call has some good hours. 6.6 hours to be exact. Double woot. I started out working with my friend, Amanda, and she's pretty awesome. Her birthday is on the 23rd of February; this is a pretty significant day and I accidentally forgot when her birthday was. GAH, Elaine! We had a good little chat and then she switched places with Keosha. Keosha is pretty cool too. In the Great Hall, there was a semi-formal for Campus Crusades. They were playing some pretty funky music that was cracking us up. So I want you to picture... Prince of Bel-Air playing in the background and a bunch of white kids dancing barefoot. Totally high school but it looked pretty fun. At 11 PM, there was another showing of Nick and Nora's Infinite Playlist and I decided to watch that one because Clay was coming to it with CJ. The movie was pretty entertaining. Certain phrases were thrown around like "I love you so much it's retarded". Hell-arious. So then Clay waited for me and we walked home. It was late and Abby and I were hungry so I ordered a medium pizza from Papa John's. Delicioso! We watched some late night TV and then went to bed. :)

Saturday, the 14th

So I got to sleep in!!!! Bloody amazing. Lenoir Dining Hall was next on the schedule. It was okay. I had a to-do list. Gross. Well Abby and I had to do laundry. So Valentine's Day became LAUNDRY DAY (Jason Mraz's great song Geek in the Pink) and I have a funny story. So Abby and I went down to the basement to get to the washing machines and on the way down I checked our mail. We got a postcard from Vincent wishing us a Happy Valentine's Day. It was very sweet. Okay, now for the juicy part. Abby and I start loading up the machine with the clothes. We finished, and then Abby TAKES OFF HER... I can't tell you. Sorry, She might smack me. But just know it was hysterically funny. Whew, so funny! Sorry... Well while we were waiting for the laundry to finish, we were doing work while we watched some LOVE movies on USA. Good stuff. I am in Salsa Sentido. It's a club that has salsa lessons for 9 weeks on each Saturday. Tons of fun. Me gusta. I love the music and I'm learning interesting things like salsa fingers. Have me show them to you sometime. I totally will. Okay >>> so now I am venturing home. I call Clay. We were going to a Hilary Hahn concert that night, and I wasn't ready to leave yet. I got to pick everything we were going to do that day because he has to do everything for that special day that signifies that we have been dating for a year. So I hadn't decided on a restaurant and I hadn't made a reservation. So I knew it would be packed and we wouldn't have that much time before the concert. Yikes. So I called him and asked him if he just wanted to eat a snack. He sounded really distracted. The fool wasn't paying attention to me. Yet he agreed to my plan, so I was satisfied. I got to my dorm and ran to the bathroom real fast. So I came back into my room to start getting ready for the night, whom should I see but Mr. Clayton Westbrook himself looking all snazzy in his suit and holding a bouquet of roses. I was completely surprised to see him. It turns out he was driving past me as I was walking to my dorm because he had to drive to get those roses and got a little distracted. He's pretty amazing. Well, I drank in the scent of the roses and then we went to Starbucks to get a snack. I got some DELICIOUS passion tea lemonade and he got a sandwich from Ram's Market. We ventured back to Parker and I got changed.... and then we proceeded onward to Memorial Hall where the concert was to take place. Clay met my work buddies including Lorry the hilarious cop. Hilary Hahn was freaking spectacular. That woman can play the violin. She was perfect. Accompanying her was this pianist who had major slumping problems but her page turner was my music class T.A. Very coool. So Clay and I were pretty tired and her music started putting us to sleep. I suggested we leave before the last song was over. He agreed. I decided on the delectable makings of Biski's. SO GOOD. Then we proceeded to walk back to my dorm. It was a pretty fun long walk and some good conversation. When we got back to the dorm, we had a lovely story time with Abby. > Sleep.

Sunday, the 15th

Sunday is kind of a blur. But what I remember... AHM position at work. Then I went to Buns with Clay and Christine. My new favorite restaurant! This was also a great day.

College Wan't Meant For Me

I am 99.9% sure I failed my Music exam. I can't believe it. Music is my thing. I lost 18 points thought because I couldn't tell you why opera wasn't popular til the 1600s or what the Ritornello Principle was. I studied all the wrong things til freakin' 5 AM. So now I am convinced that college is not for me. I can not pass the exams. It's just not FEASIBLE (hate that word). I am way behind in Geology. So yet again I am pretty sure I'm screwed. I want to cuss. But I won't. I just need a miracle. That's all. What a small order. So tiny. So minute.

I wish! It is a huge order and I can't say that I expect I'll get one. I think I'm losing brownie points with God. Is that possible? If it is, I've succeeded in doing so. At least I've succeeded in something.

Craziness

11:30 AM - Woke up.
11:31 AM - Slowly got dressed and packed up for the entire day. (I would not be returning until after work)
12:31 PM - Left Parker to venture onward to Lenoir for lunch.
12:50 PM - Met Francisco and Lee for lunch.
1:00 PM - Dined with Aaron, Francisco, and Lee.
2:00 PM - Went outside Lenoir only to find Swati, Lisbeth, Clay, and CJ and chat with them.
2:25 PM - Convinced to answer questions regarding Valentine's Day finances while facing a video camera and a stranger.
2:41 PM - Class of 2000 Lounge with Clay in an attempt to study.
2:49 PM - Attempt failed.
3:26 PM - Left for English 126: Intro To Drama.
3:30 PM - Arrived at Greenlaw for English.
4:00 PM - Had some excellent discussion on intellectual topics.
4:45 PM - Booked it out of there to change for my 5 PM call time.
4:48 PM - Finished changing for work.
4:53 PM - Got there to clock in and realized that my shift wasn't til 5:15 PM.
4:56 PM - Went to Alpine Bagel to get a quick dinner.
5:01 PM - Realized that my wallet was no where to be found.
5:02 PM - Freaked out and realized that the last place I had seen it was Lenoir Dining Hall.
5:03 PM - Went to Lenoir's Lost and Found only to find that it was closed.
5:08 PM - Found Lee enjoying a bagel outside and asked him to freak out with me.
5:09 PM - Vented to Lee.
5:10 PM - Vented to Clay.
5:15 PM - Clocked in.
5:16 PM - Went to the Class of 2000 Lounge to double check and see if I could find it there.
5:17 PM - Went to the Information Desk to check the Lost and Found.
5:18 PM - Found my wallet in the lost and found.
5:20 PM - Grabbed a bagel.
5:20:45 PM - Realized that my wallet didn't have my debit card.
5:21 PM - After debating on stealing my bagel, I found it in my hand under the wallet.
5:22 PM - PAID for my bagel.
5:23 PM - Contemplated suicide.
5:24 PM - Headed off for work at Murphey building.
5:25 PM - Got there and found a very messy room.
5:26 PM - Cleaned.
5:45 PM - Realized that my call time wasn't 5:15 PM but 6:45 PM.
5:46 PM - Contemplated suicide.
5:50 PM - Returned back to the Union and clocked out.
5:52 PM - Went in front of Lenoir to try and study. (I saw Bekah there. Nice little chat.)
5:59 PM - Heard Ben Randall's laugh even with music in my earphones.
6:01 PM - Ended up going to Lenoir with him and his cool friends, Lori and Amanda.
6:42 PM - Left a good meal and conversation to clock in, AGAIN.
6:45 PM - After getting a key from the Info desk to unlock the office upstairs, I found that I was still clocked in even though I did clock out.
6:46 PM - Screamed a little.
6:59 PM - Got to my pilot study room.
7:32 PM - I have been sitting here contemplating suicide ever since. Haha No, just kidding. I will just try to never speak of this day again. I have 3 exams, a paper, a lab, and a class to get mega-caught up in by Friday. I hate my life. Haha, syke again. I'm just surprised I'm alive sometimes. THANK YOU, Jesus.

*sigh*...

Reality

I'm screwed.

Paradise is Hell

That's what my Spanish teacher said today.

Apparently, this Spanish love/mathematics song eluded to that in a round about way. It was referring to how love hurts, and in that way paradise is hell. After contemplating this for sometime, I've deduced they're right. But I wish love didn't have to be so painful. The "pain" that we feel from love has even drifted into our language. People combine it in phrases ("I love you so much it hurts."), and some compose songs.

• "I love you so much it hurts me
  Darlin, that's why I'm so blue
  I'm so afraid to go to bed at night
  Afraid of losing you.
  
  I love you so much, it hurts me
  And there's nothing I can do
  I want to hold you, my dear, forever and ever
  I love so much it hurts me so."
  

-- Ray Charles

Why does love have to hurt so much? Then I realized. Being in love is the most vulnerable state of mind you can be in.

1. Love makes you do crazy things.
2. Love always wants love in return; if love is not returned, love hurts.
3. Love worries.
4. Love waits, sometimes in agony.
5. Love is vulnerable to betrayal; at times, love betrays.
   
6. Love can be one of the strongest things in life, but can make you the weakest person.
7. Love is confusing.
8. Loving can be hard.
9. Love is envious.
10. Love demands.

Epiphany: This is the love of humans; tainted love.
Eureka: The following is the love of God: perfect love.

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

1. Love is patient.
2. Love is kind.
   
3. Love does not envy
4. Love does not boast
5. Love is not proud.
6. Love is not rude
7. Love is not self-seeking.
8. Love is not easily angered.
9. Love keeps no record of wrongs.
10. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
11. Love always protects.
12. Love always trusts.
13. Love always hopes.
14. Love always perseveres.
15. Love never fails.
    

But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears...

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

1 Corinthians 13

3 Hours Down the Toilet

I've been sitting in my chilly dorm room for the past 3 hours attempting to work on my Spanish composition. You would think I am almost done. But, alas, I do not even have one word written down. I hate my life at this moment. I have so much to do, but I can not force myself to do it. I need inspiration or motivation to pursue and accomplish the things I need to do. I wish I could function without these important things; that would be a great feat for me. Why is it so easy for others? I envy them. To be able to sit down and work is a dream of mine. This Spanish composition is the most boring thing in the world right now. Tomorrow is going to be hell because my eyelids have been drooping since 10 pm. 3 am officially sucks. If only my magic carpet and I could venture off into the world, so I could leave my worries behind.