My disclaimer: Pardon my language, my state of mind, and my need to blog.
DAMN YOU, EVE.
The curse of women is upon me at the moment. I am in the most excruciating pain. I am experiencing a glimpse of what it is like to have a baby. My head is throbbing from an ache that has been tormenting me since yesterday. Light headedness and a slight fever are making me want to jump off a cliff in hopes to end this pain. I crave the most random and unattainable foods. Right now, someone better get me an alligator and some pickles. MMMM.
Now that was just the physical agony I am enduring as I type.
Brace yourself for my mental transfiguration.
I want to die and take everyone down with me. My gah, the mood swings are intense. Once the pain starts to fade, I become tired, weak, and quiet. The curse senses my time of weakness and seizes the moment to come and gloat. It controls me. It controls my attitude. It controls my sleep. It controls pretty much my life. The demon that controls women has found me and taken over my body. I am no longer Elaine, but a crazy person. (Obviously)
In a week it will all be over, but will soon haunt me in a month.
Haha, I don't know why I'm laughing.
Sigh. This is what is like without medication. I am hoping pain makes you stronger?
Men, be glad you are who you are.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Sisters
Priscilla, Christina, and Kayla.
My lovely sisters came up to visit me this weekend.
We had a lovely time. It was so refreshing to see them.
They make me realize how much I want to be close to home.
I miss their company and their humor.
They really do energize me and inspire.
But now, they're gone. My reality has managed to regain consciousness.
DANG IT.
Back to the books, back to work, and back to missing what's not here.
Godspeed me.
Love, love, love.
My lovely sisters came up to visit me this weekend.
We had a lovely time. It was so refreshing to see them.
They make me realize how much I want to be close to home.
I miss their company and their humor.
They really do energize me and inspire.
But now, they're gone. My reality has managed to regain consciousness.
DANG IT.
Back to the books, back to work, and back to missing what's not here.
Godspeed me.
Love, love, love.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Eye Blinking
I think it's amazing how life can change in the blink of an eye.
I failed my linguistics exam as I predicted. Actually I didn't fail it but I came pretty darn close to failing. My major as of this morning was a double in Spanish and Education with a minor in Linguistics. I am dropping my linguistics class and dropping the minor. I feel a lot better. For some reason I had convinced myself that I needed to have 2 majors and a minor. What a goose I am/was. None of that. Watch me graduate with just a Spanish major. I think I'll be okay with that. I've decided that when I graduate I want to graduate as a public service scholar. With fewer majors, this could be very possible. 300 hours of community service. I can do it. I was debating on joining the Big Buddy organization. It sounds really cool and something I would definitely be interested in. Here's the description of what I would be doing...
Big Buddy pairs UNC students with "at risk" children ages 6-14 in the Chapel Hill-Carrboro community to form one-on-one mentor relationships. Each mentor acts as a friend and role model to a child in need of one, with the hope that the experience has a positive and lasting impact on the lives of both the "big" and "little" alike.
How cool could that be? Totally cool, I know.
Either that or I could join Youth for Elderly Services (YES). I love old people.
YES's members volunteer at one of five retirement homes in the community - Carolina House, Clare Bridge, Carolina Meadows, Carol Woods, or Britthaven. At these homes, volunteers have the opportunity to participate in a wide range of activities, including both one-on-one visits and group activities. YES also organizes group activities once a month in which all members participate.
That's my 2nd choice. We'll see what happens. I just decided that I want to live during college. Not study 24/7. So in that case, one major could satisfy me. Not to mention I'd be a really happy person. Haha...
I failed my linguistics exam as I predicted. Actually I didn't fail it but I came pretty darn close to failing. My major as of this morning was a double in Spanish and Education with a minor in Linguistics. I am dropping my linguistics class and dropping the minor. I feel a lot better. For some reason I had convinced myself that I needed to have 2 majors and a minor. What a goose I am/was. None of that. Watch me graduate with just a Spanish major. I think I'll be okay with that. I've decided that when I graduate I want to graduate as a public service scholar. With fewer majors, this could be very possible. 300 hours of community service. I can do it. I was debating on joining the Big Buddy organization. It sounds really cool and something I would definitely be interested in. Here's the description of what I would be doing...
Big Buddy pairs UNC students with "at risk" children ages 6-14 in the Chapel Hill-Carrboro community to form one-on-one mentor relationships. Each mentor acts as a friend and role model to a child in need of one, with the hope that the experience has a positive and lasting impact on the lives of both the "big" and "little" alike.
How cool could that be? Totally cool, I know.
Either that or I could join Youth for Elderly Services (YES). I love old people.
YES's members volunteer at one of five retirement homes in the community - Carolina House, Clare Bridge, Carolina Meadows, Carol Woods, or Britthaven. At these homes, volunteers have the opportunity to participate in a wide range of activities, including both one-on-one visits and group activities. YES also organizes group activities once a month in which all members participate.
That's my 2nd choice. We'll see what happens. I just decided that I want to live during college. Not study 24/7. So in that case, one major could satisfy me. Not to mention I'd be a really happy person. Haha...
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Best Weekend Ever...
So this weekend has been one for the books.
Let's see if I can remember all of it. :)
Friday, the 13th
This "unlucky" day involved a disgusting exam of linguistics. I failed. Probably. My exam taking skills are not up to par obviously! I can't study, and I can't concentrate in class. Poo. See, I told you. College is not for me. ;) Well after the bloody exam, I went to apply for the lovely position of Assistant House Manager at my job. Woot. Finished that and then I came back to my confining dorm room to take a shower. Clay came over and we hung out till I had to go to work. Before my work call, we ventured off to Alpine Bagel. I got a delicious bagel sandwich with 2 pickles! My work call was for the movies at the union. This call has some good hours. 6.6 hours to be exact. Double woot. I started out working with my friend, Amanda, and she's pretty awesome. Her birthday is on the 23rd of February; this is a pretty significant day and I accidentally forgot when her birthday was. GAH, Elaine! We had a good little chat and then she switched places with Keosha. Keosha is pretty cool too. In the Great Hall, there was a semi-formal for Campus Crusades. They were playing some pretty funky music that was cracking us up. So I want you to picture... Prince of Bel-Air playing in the background and a bunch of white kids dancing barefoot. Totally high school but it looked pretty fun. At 11 PM, there was another showing of Nick and Nora's Infinite Playlist and I decided to watch that one because Clay was coming to it with CJ. The movie was pretty entertaining. Certain phrases were thrown around like "I love you so much it's retarded". Hell-arious. So then Clay waited for me and we walked home. It was late and Abby and I were hungry so I ordered a medium pizza from Papa John's. Delicioso! We watched some late night TV and then went to bed. :)
Saturday, the 14th
So I got to sleep in!!!! Bloody amazing. Lenoir Dining Hall was next on the schedule. It was okay. I had a to-do list. Gross. Well Abby and I had to do laundry. So Valentine's Day became LAUNDRY DAY (Jason Mraz's great song Geek in the Pink) and I have a funny story. So Abby and I went down to the basement to get to the washing machines and on the way down I checked our mail. We got a postcard from Vincent wishing us a Happy Valentine's Day. It was very sweet. Okay, now for the juicy part. Abby and I start loading up the machine with the clothes. We finished, and then Abby TAKES OFF HER... I can't tell you. Sorry, She might smack me. But just know it was hysterically funny. Whew, so funny! Sorry... Well while we were waiting for the laundry to finish, we were doing work while we watched some LOVE movies on USA. Good stuff. I am in Salsa Sentido. It's a club that has salsa lessons for 9 weeks on each Saturday. Tons of fun. Me gusta. I love the music and I'm learning interesting things like salsa fingers. Have me show them to you sometime. I totally will. Okay >>> so now I am venturing home. I call Clay. We were going to a Hilary Hahn concert that night, and I wasn't ready to leave yet. I got to pick everything we were going to do that day because he has to do everything for that special day that signifies that we have been dating for a year. So I hadn't decided on a restaurant and I hadn't made a reservation. So I knew it would be packed and we wouldn't have that much time before the concert. Yikes. So I called him and asked him if he just wanted to eat a snack. He sounded really distracted. The fool wasn't paying attention to me. Yet he agreed to my plan, so I was satisfied. I got to my dorm and ran to the bathroom real fast. So I came back into my room to start getting ready for the night, whom should I see but Mr. Clayton Westbrook himself looking all snazzy in his suit and holding a bouquet of roses. I was completely surprised to see him. It turns out he was driving past me as I was walking to my dorm because he had to drive to get those roses and got a little distracted. He's pretty amazing. Well, I drank in the scent of the roses and then we went to Starbucks to get a snack. I got some DELICIOUS passion tea lemonade and he got a sandwich from Ram's Market. We ventured back to Parker and I got changed.... and then we proceeded onward to Memorial Hall where the concert was to take place. Clay met my work buddies including Lorry the hilarious cop. Hilary Hahn was freaking spectacular. That woman can play the violin. She was perfect. Accompanying her was this pianist who had major slumping problems but her page turner was my music class T.A. Very coool. So Clay and I were pretty tired and her music started putting us to sleep. I suggested we leave before the last song was over. He agreed. I decided on the delectable makings of Biski's. SO GOOD. Then we proceeded to walk back to my dorm. It was a pretty fun long walk and some good conversation. When we got back to the dorm, we had a lovely story time with Abby. > Sleep.
Sunday, the 15th
Sunday is kind of a blur. But what I remember... AHM position at work. Then I went to Buns with Clay and Christine. My new favorite restaurant! This was also a great day.
Let's see if I can remember all of it. :)
Friday, the 13th
This "unlucky" day involved a disgusting exam of linguistics. I failed. Probably. My exam taking skills are not up to par obviously! I can't study, and I can't concentrate in class. Poo. See, I told you. College is not for me. ;) Well after the bloody exam, I went to apply for the lovely position of Assistant House Manager at my job. Woot. Finished that and then I came back to my confining dorm room to take a shower. Clay came over and we hung out till I had to go to work. Before my work call, we ventured off to Alpine Bagel. I got a delicious bagel sandwich with 2 pickles! My work call was for the movies at the union. This call has some good hours. 6.6 hours to be exact. Double woot. I started out working with my friend, Amanda, and she's pretty awesome. Her birthday is on the 23rd of February; this is a pretty significant day and I accidentally forgot when her birthday was. GAH, Elaine! We had a good little chat and then she switched places with Keosha. Keosha is pretty cool too. In the Great Hall, there was a semi-formal for Campus Crusades. They were playing some pretty funky music that was cracking us up. So I want you to picture... Prince of Bel-Air playing in the background and a bunch of white kids dancing barefoot. Totally high school but it looked pretty fun. At 11 PM, there was another showing of Nick and Nora's Infinite Playlist and I decided to watch that one because Clay was coming to it with CJ. The movie was pretty entertaining. Certain phrases were thrown around like "I love you so much it's retarded". Hell-arious. So then Clay waited for me and we walked home. It was late and Abby and I were hungry so I ordered a medium pizza from Papa John's. Delicioso! We watched some late night TV and then went to bed. :)
Saturday, the 14th
So I got to sleep in!!!! Bloody amazing. Lenoir Dining Hall was next on the schedule. It was okay. I had a to-do list. Gross. Well Abby and I had to do laundry. So Valentine's Day became LAUNDRY DAY (Jason Mraz's great song Geek in the Pink) and I have a funny story. So Abby and I went down to the basement to get to the washing machines and on the way down I checked our mail. We got a postcard from Vincent wishing us a Happy Valentine's Day. It was very sweet. Okay, now for the juicy part. Abby and I start loading up the machine with the clothes. We finished, and then Abby TAKES OFF HER... I can't tell you. Sorry, She might smack me. But just know it was hysterically funny. Whew, so funny! Sorry... Well while we were waiting for the laundry to finish, we were doing work while we watched some LOVE movies on USA. Good stuff. I am in Salsa Sentido. It's a club that has salsa lessons for 9 weeks on each Saturday. Tons of fun. Me gusta. I love the music and I'm learning interesting things like salsa fingers. Have me show them to you sometime. I totally will. Okay >>> so now I am venturing home. I call Clay. We were going to a Hilary Hahn concert that night, and I wasn't ready to leave yet. I got to pick everything we were going to do that day because he has to do everything for that special day that signifies that we have been dating for a year. So I hadn't decided on a restaurant and I hadn't made a reservation. So I knew it would be packed and we wouldn't have that much time before the concert. Yikes. So I called him and asked him if he just wanted to eat a snack. He sounded really distracted. The fool wasn't paying attention to me. Yet he agreed to my plan, so I was satisfied. I got to my dorm and ran to the bathroom real fast. So I came back into my room to start getting ready for the night, whom should I see but Mr. Clayton Westbrook himself looking all snazzy in his suit and holding a bouquet of roses. I was completely surprised to see him. It turns out he was driving past me as I was walking to my dorm because he had to drive to get those roses and got a little distracted. He's pretty amazing. Well, I drank in the scent of the roses and then we went to Starbucks to get a snack. I got some DELICIOUS passion tea lemonade and he got a sandwich from Ram's Market. We ventured back to Parker and I got changed.... and then we proceeded onward to Memorial Hall where the concert was to take place. Clay met my work buddies including Lorry the hilarious cop. Hilary Hahn was freaking spectacular. That woman can play the violin. She was perfect. Accompanying her was this pianist who had major slumping problems but her page turner was my music class T.A. Very coool. So Clay and I were pretty tired and her music started putting us to sleep. I suggested we leave before the last song was over. He agreed. I decided on the delectable makings of Biski's. SO GOOD. Then we proceeded to walk back to my dorm. It was a pretty fun long walk and some good conversation. When we got back to the dorm, we had a lovely story time with Abby. > Sleep.
Sunday, the 15th
Sunday is kind of a blur. But what I remember... AHM position at work. Then I went to Buns with Clay and Christine. My new favorite restaurant! This was also a great day.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
College Wan't Meant For Me
I am 99.9% sure I failed my Music exam. I can't believe it. Music is my thing. I lost 18 points thought because I couldn't tell you why opera wasn't popular til the 1600s or what the Ritornello Principle was. I studied all the wrong things til freakin' 5 AM. So now I am convinced that college is not for me. I can not pass the exams. It's just not FEASIBLE (hate that word). I am way behind in Geology. So yet again I am pretty sure I'm screwed. I want to cuss. But I won't. I just need a miracle. That's all. What a small order. So tiny. So minute.
I wish! It is a huge order and I can't say that I expect I'll get one. I think I'm losing brownie points with God. Is that possible? If it is, I've succeeded in doing so. At least I've succeeded in something.
I wish! It is a huge order and I can't say that I expect I'll get one. I think I'm losing brownie points with God. Is that possible? If it is, I've succeeded in doing so. At least I've succeeded in something.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Craziness
11:30 AM - Woke up.
11:31 AM - Slowly got dressed and packed up for the entire day. (I would not be returning until after work)
12:31 PM - Left Parker to venture onward to Lenoir for lunch.
12:50 PM - Met Francisco and Lee for lunch.
1:00 PM - Dined with Aaron, Francisco, and Lee.
2:00 PM - Went outside Lenoir only to find Swati, Lisbeth, Clay, and CJ and chat with them.
2:25 PM - Convinced to answer questions regarding Valentine's Day finances while facing a video camera and a stranger.
2:41 PM - Class of 2000 Lounge with Clay in an attempt to study.
2:49 PM - Attempt failed.
3:26 PM - Left for English 126: Intro To Drama.
3:30 PM - Arrived at Greenlaw for English.
4:00 PM - Had some excellent discussion on intellectual topics.
4:45 PM - Booked it out of there to change for my 5 PM call time.
4:48 PM - Finished changing for work.
4:53 PM - Got there to clock in and realized that my shift wasn't til 5:15 PM.
4:56 PM - Went to Alpine Bagel to get a quick dinner.
5:01 PM - Realized that my wallet was no where to be found.
5:02 PM - Freaked out and realized that the last place I had seen it was Lenoir Dining Hall.
5:03 PM - Went to Lenoir's Lost and Found only to find that it was closed.
5:08 PM - Found Lee enjoying a bagel outside and asked him to freak out with me.
5:09 PM - Vented to Lee.
5:10 PM - Vented to Clay.
5:15 PM - Clocked in.
5:16 PM - Went to the Class of 2000 Lounge to double check and see if I could find it there.
5:17 PM - Went to the Information Desk to check the Lost and Found.
5:18 PM - Found my wallet in the lost and found.
5:20 PM - Grabbed a bagel.
5:20:45 PM - Realized that my wallet didn't have my debit card.
5:21 PM - After debating on stealing my bagel, I found it in my hand under the wallet.
5:22 PM - PAID for my bagel.
5:23 PM - Contemplated suicide.
5:24 PM - Headed off for work at Murphey building.
5:25 PM - Got there and found a very messy room.
5:26 PM - Cleaned.
5:45 PM - Realized that my call time wasn't 5:15 PM but 6:45 PM.
5:46 PM - Contemplated suicide.
5:50 PM - Returned back to the Union and clocked out.
5:52 PM - Went in front of Lenoir to try and study. (I saw Bekah there. Nice little chat.)
5:59 PM - Heard Ben Randall's laugh even with music in my earphones.
6:01 PM - Ended up going to Lenoir with him and his cool friends, Lori and Amanda.
6:42 PM - Left a good meal and conversation to clock in, AGAIN.
6:45 PM - After getting a key from the Info desk to unlock the office upstairs, I found that I was still clocked in even though I did clock out.
6:46 PM - Screamed a little.
6:59 PM - Got to my pilot study room.
7:32 PM - I have been sitting here contemplating suicide ever since. Haha No, just kidding. I will just try to never speak of this day again. I have 3 exams, a paper, a lab, and a class to get mega-caught up in by Friday. I hate my life. Haha, syke again. I'm just surprised I'm alive sometimes. THANK YOU, Jesus.
*sigh*...
11:31 AM - Slowly got dressed and packed up for the entire day. (I would not be returning until after work)
12:31 PM - Left Parker to venture onward to Lenoir for lunch.
12:50 PM - Met Francisco and Lee for lunch.
1:00 PM - Dined with Aaron, Francisco, and Lee.
2:00 PM - Went outside Lenoir only to find Swati, Lisbeth, Clay, and CJ and chat with them.
2:25 PM - Convinced to answer questions regarding Valentine's Day finances while facing a video camera and a stranger.
2:41 PM - Class of 2000 Lounge with Clay in an attempt to study.
2:49 PM - Attempt failed.
3:26 PM - Left for English 126: Intro To Drama.
3:30 PM - Arrived at Greenlaw for English.
4:00 PM - Had some excellent discussion on intellectual topics.
4:45 PM - Booked it out of there to change for my 5 PM call time.
4:48 PM - Finished changing for work.
4:53 PM - Got there to clock in and realized that my shift wasn't til 5:15 PM.
4:56 PM - Went to Alpine Bagel to get a quick dinner.
5:01 PM - Realized that my wallet was no where to be found.
5:02 PM - Freaked out and realized that the last place I had seen it was Lenoir Dining Hall.
5:03 PM - Went to Lenoir's Lost and Found only to find that it was closed.
5:08 PM - Found Lee enjoying a bagel outside and asked him to freak out with me.
5:09 PM - Vented to Lee.
5:10 PM - Vented to Clay.
5:15 PM - Clocked in.
5:16 PM - Went to the Class of 2000 Lounge to double check and see if I could find it there.
5:17 PM - Went to the Information Desk to check the Lost and Found.
5:18 PM - Found my wallet in the lost and found.
5:20 PM - Grabbed a bagel.
5:20:45 PM - Realized that my wallet didn't have my debit card.
5:21 PM - After debating on stealing my bagel, I found it in my hand under the wallet.
5:22 PM - PAID for my bagel.
5:23 PM - Contemplated suicide.
5:24 PM - Headed off for work at Murphey building.
5:25 PM - Got there and found a very messy room.
5:26 PM - Cleaned.
5:45 PM - Realized that my call time wasn't 5:15 PM but 6:45 PM.
5:46 PM - Contemplated suicide.
5:50 PM - Returned back to the Union and clocked out.
5:52 PM - Went in front of Lenoir to try and study. (I saw Bekah there. Nice little chat.)
5:59 PM - Heard Ben Randall's laugh even with music in my earphones.
6:01 PM - Ended up going to Lenoir with him and his cool friends, Lori and Amanda.
6:42 PM - Left a good meal and conversation to clock in, AGAIN.
6:45 PM - After getting a key from the Info desk to unlock the office upstairs, I found that I was still clocked in even though I did clock out.
6:46 PM - Screamed a little.
6:59 PM - Got to my pilot study room.
7:32 PM - I have been sitting here contemplating suicide ever since. Haha No, just kidding. I will just try to never speak of this day again. I have 3 exams, a paper, a lab, and a class to get mega-caught up in by Friday. I hate my life. Haha, syke again. I'm just surprised I'm alive sometimes. THANK YOU, Jesus.
*sigh*...
Monday, February 9, 2009
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Paradise is Hell
That's what my Spanish teacher said today.
Apparently, this Spanish love/mathematics song eluded to that in a round about way. It was referring to how love hurts, and in that way paradise is hell. After contemplating this for sometime, I've deduced they're right. But I wish love didn't have to be so painful. The "pain" that we feel from love has even drifted into our language. People combine it in phrases ("I love you so much it hurts."), and some compose songs.
Why does love have to hurt so much? Then I realized. Being in love is the most vulnerable state of mind you can be in.
Eureka: The following is the love of God: perfect love.
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Apparently, this Spanish love/mathematics song eluded to that in a round about way. It was referring to how love hurts, and in that way paradise is hell. After contemplating this for sometime, I've deduced they're right. But I wish love didn't have to be so painful. The "pain" that we feel from love has even drifted into our language. People combine it in phrases ("I love you so much it hurts."), and some compose songs.
- "I love you so much it hurts me
Darlin, that's why I'm so blue
I'm so afraid to go to bed at night
Afraid of losing you.
I love you so much, it hurts me
And there's nothing I can do
I want to hold you, my dear, forever and ever
I love so much it hurts me so."
-- Ray Charles
Why does love have to hurt so much? Then I realized. Being in love is the most vulnerable state of mind you can be in.
- Love makes you do crazy things.
- Love always wants love in return; if love is not returned, love hurts.
- Love worries.
- Love waits, sometimes in agony.
- Love is vulnerable to betrayal; at times, love betrays.
- Love can be one of the strongest things in life, but can make you the weakest person.
- Love is confusing.
- Loving can be hard.
- Love is envious.
- Love demands.
Eureka: The following is the love of God: perfect love.
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
- Love is patient.
- Love is kind.
- Love does not envy
- Love does not boast
- Love is not proud.
- Love is not rude
- Love is not self-seeking.
- Love is not easily angered.
- Love keeps no record of wrongs.
- Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
- Love always protects.
- Love always trusts.
- Love always hopes.
- Love always perseveres.
- Love never fails.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
1 Corinthians 13
3 Hours Down the Toilet
I've been sitting in my chilly dorm room for the past 3 hours attempting to work on my Spanish composition. You would think I am almost done. But, alas, I do not even have one word written down. I hate my life at this moment. I have so much to do, but I can not force myself to do it. I need inspiration or motivation to pursue and accomplish the things I need to do. I wish I could function without these important things; that would be a great feat for me. Why is it so easy for others? I envy them. To be able to sit down and work is a dream of mine. This Spanish composition is the most boring thing in the world right now. Tomorrow is going to be hell because my eyelids have been drooping since 10 pm. 3 am officially sucks. If only my magic carpet and I could venture off into the world, so I could leave my worries behind.
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